Scarred For Life

Recently someone brought up a story about how they were scarred for life by the lies their parents told them, and it got me thinking about the odd things my mom convinced me were true. To be fair, my perspective has changed in recent years, and I am glad my mom taught me how to have a healthy sense of humour growing up. My  mom did a lot of awesome things when I was a kid too, but that doesn't change the minor trauma my mom inflicted in those impressionable early years. (Author's note: I may still be irrationally afraid of earwigs, tapioca and shower curtains, but otherwise I turned out alright.)

The look of innocence.
.

First, a little perspective: I was not a particularly squeamish kid in most instances. I was definitely a tomboy, climbing trees and unafraid to get dirty. In elementary school, the boys would catch garden snakes and try to freak out the girls. Most of them would shriek and run away, while I would say "cool! Can I hold it?" The boys always looked a little disappointed that I hadn't reacted the way they wanted me to.

When I was about 4 years old, my mom told me that Tapioca Pudding was made from fish eyes. It has been 35 years, and I still cannot eat tapioca unless it is ground up as a powder. This became a particular problem when I attended UBC as there was a Bubble Tea kiosk in the Student Union Building. Bubble Tea was all the rage and the mere thought of it made me gag.

When I was 5 I asked why earwigs were called earwigs, which lead my mom to spin a tale for me that earwigs would crawl into a person's hair and then into their ear, where they would eat their brains from the inside out. She quickly refuted her own story, but I still can't see an earwig without wigging out to this day. I can relocate other bugs, spiders, frogs, lizards... but I feel that earwigs deserve to die a horrible fiery death, regardless of their innocence.

There was the incident when I decided to run away: I don't remember why I was upset, but I went up to my mom and said "fine, I'm running away!" Instead of arguing, she helped me pack. Really, this was ingenious of her, and she knew my propensity for devouring books would not let me get far, but at the time I was convinced that she was going to let me run away.

      "Well, you can't go anywhere without your books! You need something to read, take these."
      "You should definitely take your roller skates. You might need them."
      "Don't forget your stuffed animals, which ones should you take?"
      "You'll need a change of clothes of course."
      "You'll need your LEGO."

By the time she finished helping me pack, the clunky old pinkish suitcase was full, and to my young standards, very heavy. I got to the end of the driveway dragging the suitcase behind me, and needed to stop and take a break. I pulled out one of the books and got transported into another world. When I finished the books I decided that this wasn't the right day to run away, and I should really go home and try again some other time... besides, I really needed to pick a new set of books to take with me.

Picture this jumping out at you!

When I was a kid I would sneak through the house into the kitchen where I could see the TV in the living room, and would watch TV and movies "with" my dad late at night. At four years old, I somehow managed to watch Psycho without being caught. At some point I must have fessed up, because a few years later my mom hid behind the shower curtain and scared me half to death. You would think that would be the end of it, but no. Every time my mom cleans the house &/or expects company one of her automatic moves is to close the shower curtain to "hide the mess" (there almost never is a mess - this is just one of her quirks). Every time I enter her bathroom and the shower curtain is closed I have to pull it back suddenly to make sure nothing is hiding behind it waiting to murder me. Every time I see a closed shower curtain there is a brief sense of panic and my heart speeds up. EVERY TIME! (In hindsight, Dad is probably equally to blame for this fear as he was the one watching Psycho with a 4-year old at home. Also, I may have hidden behind a shower curtain or two as a child to try to get her back, so all's fair in love and war.)

Mom, you can expect a bill when I find a therapist willing to deal with this deep-seeded childhood trauma. Or, perhaps I could just pay them in zucchini?

Someday, when I'm a grown-up - an open letter to Wil Wheaton

Project #canidothisin10days on my instagram @Tortoisefly

I spent the last 11 days building this. Instagram @Tortoisefly

I grew up in a geek-friendly home, long before that was considered to be cool.

When I was 8, my mom and I read The Hobbit together, and I thought "someday, when I'm a grown-up, I'll go on epic adventures like Bilbo, Gandalf, and their friends."

I watched Star Trek reruns with my dad and I saw Spock find peaceful solutions using reason, science, and logic, and I thought "someday, when I'm a grown-up, I'm going to be like him."

I saw Star Wars and found a role model in Princess Leia, who proved that you didn't need a man to rescue you, you could save yourself, be the hero of your own story, and maybe rescue a couple of well-intentioned men along the way. I saw this, and I thought "someday, when I'm a grown-up, I'm going to be just like her!"

Then when I was an awkward 8-year old girl who loved Sci-Fi, but struggled to picture myself as I was, being a part of the narrative, Star Trek TNG came on TV. I saw Wesley Crusher, a boy (unlike me), who like me was smart, and sometimes awkward, struggling to find a place in a universe full of grown-ups. Like me, he had important things that he wanted to say, but the grown-ups often didn't seem to listen, because they thought he was just a kid.

I saw Wesley, and the narrative changed. I was no longer thinking about "someday, when I'm a grown-up." Instead, I found myself thinking "there are kids on the Enterprise who are just like me!" Wesley changed the way that I saw Sci-Fi and Fantasy. Finally, I could see myself in a character, and that allowed me to feel like I was a part of the narrative.

Because of this smart, awkward, geeky kid that I saw on TV, I no longer felt like an outsider, too young to be a part of the narrative of the stories that I loved. Suddenly, this genre that I had always been immersed in was something that I could picture myself being a part of. Not "someday," but "now."

Because of Wesley, "someday" had become "today" and I no longer felt like I had to wait until I was a grown-up to be important.

So Wil, thank-you for the important role you played in my childhood, and thank you for turning into a grown-up that other kids will aspire to be like.

You're awesome!

~ Jeanie @Tortoisefly

ETA: I had a feeling that I wouldn't be able to vocalize this to Wil when meeting him at FanExpo Vancouver today, so I wrote it out and while he was extremely gracious and kind about my lantern (which he signed - another of those surreal moments) I handed him a card with the above written in a letter. I think I may have managed somewhere between 5-10 words to him, so good call on the writing it out, sleep-deprived past Jeanie!

Humanity, Inc. Tech Support - TEEN OS Upgrade

HI Sam: Humanity, Inc. This is Sam. How may I help you today?

Frazzled Mom: Hello, tech support? Yes, I’m calling in regards to a malfunctioning CHILD unit?

HI Sam: Make and model?

Frazzled Mom: Yes, this is in regards to a MALE 2004 CHILD unit.

HI Sam: What seems to be the problem m’am?

Frazzled Mom: The unit was functioning great until a few months ago. It performed well in the areas of DISPOSITION, THOUGHTFULNESS, MOOD, and RESPECT, had moderate performance in EATING and HYGIENE and usually performed adequately in CHORES and CONVERSATION. Though it could glitch in these areas on occasion...

HI Sam: Yes, this all seems to fall under the expected operating parameters for that model. What seems to be the problem?

Frazzled Mom: Well, recently the unit received an automatic upgrade to the TEEN operating system, and now it seems to be underperforming and/or experiencing glitches in all of those areas. The RESPECT and CONVERSATION programs seem to be constantly bugging out, MOOD seems to be operating at the lowest possible level 95% of the time, then jumps unexpectedly to high levels for brief periods of time before plummeting once again with no notice or obvious cause. EATING seems to use an immense amount of energy which affects SLEEP mode, especially in the mornings. When we attempt to engage the unit in CONVERSATION mode, if it responds at all, it does so with a curt “whatever” or a sigh of disgust. We would really like to revert back to the PRETEEN operating system. Can you help us out with that?

HI Sam: I’m sorry m’am, but the automatic upgrade to the TEEN operating system is permanent. I’m afraid that it isn’t possible to revert to the previous OS. We are working on a new operating system called NEW ADULT which should solve many of the issues you are currently experiencing, but it won’t be ready for installation on that unit for approximately six years.

Frazzled Mom: So what you are telling me is that you automatically updated our CHILD units’ operating system to one that has known issues, and now we can’t even go back to the last known version that worked reasonably well?

HI Sam: That is correct.

Frazzled Mom: That is unacceptable! I’d like to speak to your supervisor about this. We’ve been loyal customers of your company for 13 years now. We stuck by you through the early INFANT operating system when it experienced issues with the CRYING and TOILET TRAINING programs.

HI Sam: Yes, those were some tough years...

Frazzled Mom: And we worked with the unit until it was able to run the WALK and SPEECH programs on its own after the TODDLER upgrade...

HI Sam: Yes, and we thank you for sticking with us through those trying times...

Frazzled Mom: But this latest upgrade... it seems to be the worst yet. Are you telling me that it will function like this for YEARS?!

HI Sam: Well, yes m’am. There may be some minor upgrades to some of the programs, but the OS is here to stay for the foreseeable future...

Frazzled Mom: Well that is just awful customer service. Isn’t there anything that you can do? Can we trade the unit in?

HI Sam: I’m sorry m’am, but we have a strict no returns, no exchanges policy. There is not much that can be done at this point. There are some facilities that you could send the unit to in order to try and improve performance. The local facilities tend to work on the units for a few hours a day during the week, or there are off-site facilities that take in the units for intense programming, but they are generally quite costly, and time consuming. By the time they complete the reprogramming, the NEW ADULT OS should be ready for installation.

Frazzled Mom: Well thanks for nothing!

HI Sam: Is there anything else I can assist you with today m’am?

Frazzled Mom: We also have a CHILD unit that is a 2007 model. Is there a way to prevent it from receiving the TEEN upgrade?

HI Sam: Well, no m’am. We can delay it for two or three years, but there comes a point where the upgrade cannot be avoided any longer.

Frazzled Mom: So what you are telling me is that soon we will have not one, but two malfunctioning CHILD units running on the TEEN operating system?

HI Sam: Yes m’am. I’m sorry m’am.

*click*

Goodbye Blue

It is with great sadness and regret that I must say goodbye to my old companion Blue.

Blue, you and I were together for the better part of fifteen years.  We went for countless walks together in all sorts of weather.  We braved the rain at the Vancouver Folk Music Festival as one. We survived the nasty garbage compacter attack of 2012... both of us left with cuts on our arms from that evil monstrosity at work. Patches for you, a band aid for me... I healed, while sadly, you did not.

Through the years you've been with me, keeping me safe and dry, but you've started slacking off in the areas that made you a good companion for all of these years.

I mourned the loss of each one of your button snaps, but still I stuck with you.

I've spent the better part of five minutes each morning and afternoon struggling to zip you up since your zipper became damaged, still I stuck with you.  It may have been a hassle, but I could handle the faulty zipper.

Where you have failed me the most lately, is in the one area I always thought that I could count on you.  You no longer keep me dry.  Your waterproof fabric and seams are no longer so. I walk home in the rain, then peel you off when I get home only to find that my shirt beneath is soaked through. You have failed me in the worst way Blue. You are no longer waterproof, and I'm afraid that is the one quality I simply must insist on a raincoat companion possessing.

So, with regret, I must bid you adieu, and welcome my new companion Burgundy. You see, Burgundy is lightweight and 100% waterproof.  She's not as long as you, but she'll keep me dry where you could not. Burgundy and I will have to make new memories of walking through the park and braving the rain.

Goodbye Blue, it was nice knowing you, but it's over now.

~ Your former human, Jeanie

Raincoat - Kelly Sweet

 

Famous Blue Raincoat (Leonard Cohen) - Tori Amos

The Challenger: 30 Years Ago Today

It's amazing how much I can remember about an event that occurred thirty years ago today.  On January 28th 1986 I was six years old and in the first grade.  I remember our class being led to the library where the primary classes gathered around a pair of televisions set back-to-back to watch the live launch of NASA's Challenger. I can only assume the older children were similarly gathered in the gymnasium, as our library wasn't large enough to fit everyone. We were told that children in schools around the world were watching the same thing on television at the same time.  We were very excited, we could tell from the way the adults talked about the launch that it was an important day, that there was a woman who was a teacher who was going to go to space.  She was going to share her adventure with kids around the world in a way that most adults couldn't... she was a teacher, and teachers knew how to talk to kids in an engaging and exciting way. She could have been any one of our teachers!  This was exciting and special, and we were going to watch history be made. We were going to see it as it happened, not on a boring news clip at home that night.  We were hyped.  As we gathered on the floor of the library, we fidgeted and chattered excitedly.  One of the teachers tried to explain to us what we were going to see, that once the shuttle left the atmosphere we wouldn't see it anymore, but that would be when the astronauts (and the teacher!) would enter space and start their adventure. They had been preparing us for this all week, talking about space, shuttles, astronauts and rockets, and we'd point out to our parents any news-clip about the teacher-turned-astronaut, and the upcoming launch, sharing the oh-so-important information we had learned about it in school.
We saw the launch, which was boring until they started the countdown, when things became very exciting.  We saw the big trail of smoke that followed the launch, knowing that it should go up until we couldn't see it anymore, then there was a big ball of fire and audible gasps from the teachers in the room, and confusion from the people on TV.  Clearly something had gone horribly wrong, but we didn't understand what had happened.  It was more the reaction of the grownups in the room that tipped us off that something very bad had happened.  Without understanding why, many of us began crying as the teachers hurried to try and figure out if they should shut the television off or not.  Then a voice on the TV said that there were likely no survivors, and the decision was made, the screen became blank. They spoke in hushed voices, trying to figure out how and what to tell us about what we had just seen and heard.   
That's all I really remember from that day, except that I have a vague memory of being at home that night when my parents were watching the news which covered the story once again.  I know my parents struggled to explain to me what had happened in terms appropriate for a 6-year-old, which must have been rather difficult to do.  What happened between the explosion and getting home I couldn't begin to tell you, but I can imagine how difficult the next hours were for teachers and parents surrounded by children who were scared, confused, and sad.  I know that I'll always remember that feeling of excitement turned to confusion and dread that was so new to one so young.

GISHWHES 2014

Last week I participated in GISHWHES 2014.  GISHWHES stands for The Greatest International Scavenger Hunt the World Has Ever Seen, and it was a doozy!
Two of my coworkers were on my team, along with twelve Americans from various parts of the country.  Team LeviathanLovesRhymesWithFezzik managed to do several of the nearly 200 items, sometimes accomplishing what we thought was nearly impossible.

Here are some of my favorite item submissions from our team:

#3 It's "me time." Spoil, pamper and be decadent to yourself like you never have before. Oh, and P.S., you’re dressed as a Stormtrooper.

#4 Clearly your bicycle is underwhelming you with its current performance. Convert your bicycle into a warp-speed spacecraft. Ride it.

#16 A family of at least four enjoying a formal dinner. All of the place settings, serving utensils, dishes - basically every non-food item above the tablecloth - must be made from Legos.

#28 Stage a mini-newspaper boat regatta in a public fountain with at least four competing vessels. We must see intense competitiveness and gambling.

#33 Batman or another superhero playing bingo at a crowded recreation center.

#37 "When I grow up I want to be..." Have a child dress up as what they want to be when they grow up (lawyer, doctor, ballerina, dragon-slayer, etc.). Then stage the photo in the environment they would be working in.

#42 Some regions have legendary monsters like the Loch Ness Monster in Loch Ness, Scotland or the Abominable Snowman in... well, wherever that creature lurks. Catch the mystery monster on camera that haunts your hometown.

#46 VIDEO (up to 30 seconds). Let's hear "Carry on My Wayward Son" on a giant pipe organ (antique preferred) in a cathedral or church, played by someone wearing a sock monkey hat.

#47 Cavemen get a bad rap, but really, they're no different from you and me. They like to dine at fine restaurants just like us!

We had so much fun with this one, I made a video:

#48 Four people use their bodies to form a table. Enjoy an elegant dinner for two at this body table.

#74 Be the messiah you were always meant to be. Walk on water (must be a lake or pool). We must not see anything under your feet except for water. Not that we need to say this, but: no photoshopping!

#82 As you know, William Shatner loves horses and clocks. Modify a cuckoo clock so that when the hour strikes, instead of a bird appearing, a tiny Captain Kirk on a horse pops out.

# 88 Make a mosaic Elopus, 2 meters in diameter, made entirely of natural objects
(i.e. no plastic, human-made materials, only leaves, rocks, dirt, flowers, wood, etc).

#90 Gingerbread villages are always so cute and quaint. Make a gingerbread village that shows urban blight: needle exchanges, prostitution, heavy police presence, etc.

Note the dead prostitute and the cops eating donuts:

#106 Lets see a fully dressed, face-painted Geisha mowing the lawn.

Little known fact: Geisha's have been engaged in a long-standing battle against Flamingos!

#109 Obviously everyone's favorite captain of the USS Enterprise was Jean-Luc Picard. Create a heroic Captain Picard using condiments (mustard, relish, ketchup, etc.) for paint.

#117 (three edited side-by-side-by-side images). Collect fruit from a tree on from which the fruit hangs over a public sidewalk. Make jam from the fruit. Eat it. (Provide 3 photos edited into one image).

This was om-nom-nummy!

#134 You or your pet, in period costume, seated on a Game of Thrones-style kale throne. Make it so good that GOT producers would want it as a marketing poster.

#147 It’s summertime and everyone loves a lemonade stand. But then again, every Tom, Dick and Harry is setting up a lemonade stand in the summertime and the market is flooded. Respond to consumer demand and carve out your own niche. Let's see two children manning a “Hot Pasta With Jam Sauce” stand.

#154 Sculpt John Barrowman's head from duct tape.

MY ULTIMATE FAVORITE:
#164 Your friend is in bed, not feeling well. Feed them a big bowl of warm (not hot) chicken noodle soup. One caveat: instead of feeding them with a spoon, use a leaf-blower.

We also had members become certified in CPR, renew their vows, and join the Bone Marrow Registry! It was a fun but exhausting week.  I think that next year I will book the week of GISHWHES off of work so I can truly immerse myself in the craziness that it entails.  Thanks for the fun, team LeviathanLovesRhymesWithFezzik!

Lanterns & Folk Fest

As you may know by now, I volunteer on the Lantern Committee for the Vancouver Folk Music Festival each year.  Every year we have a theme (or themes) that the new lanterns are encouraged to fall into.  I say encouraged, because lets face it... there are some of us that will find a way to squeeze whatever it is we want to make into the theme... no matter how far a stretch it is.  Inevitably, every year there is at least one Doctor Who lantern, which took some tricky roundabout explanations last year when our theme was Under The Sea.  Our fearless leader Marya is very accepting though, and as long as you don't build a lantern that is too big (or when you break that rule, as some of us have been known to do, promise to store it yourself, and not in her storage space!) she's willing to accept just about any lantern so long as it is safely constructed.
 
This year we had an awesome theme: Monsters.  Or more specifically due to the height at which we carry the lanterns: Monsters Over The Bed.

There was tons of room for interpretation there, and I am proud to say that many of our committee members took rather geeky routes in their lantern choices.   

Before showing you some of this years awesome monster lanterns though, there are two lanterns that need special attention.  This past year we lost one of our own.  Andrew was a long-time member of our team, always at the ready with bizarre topics of conversation and jokes that were so bad they were funny.  Andrew loved bacon, toilet seats, glitter, and making people smile.  He often walked around wearing his purple top hat, and was also known for his Baby Cthulhu costume.  In tribute to him, two lanterns were made by committee members this year: The Hat, and Cthulhu.  

Todd is the longest running member of our team.  He was instrumental in keeping the lantern committee (and thus lantern procession) going when it was in danger of being dropped.  He started working on his squid lantern several years ago... exactly how many years ago is up for debate, but it is definitely more than four and less than ten. This year, life got in the way and he was too busy to be able to volunteer, but he did show up for Friday night procession with a wonderful surprise for all of us.  He finally finished his giant squid attacking a whale, and it is glorious!  A true work of art, every bend and curve carefully constructed and flawlessly papered.  I aspire to one day be able to build and paper with his level of skill.  Todd's attention to detail is out of this world, something that takes a great deal of talent, time, and patience.  It is no wonder it took so long to make this masterpiece.




 

I only have one clear picture of Lin's newest lantern, even though I could have sworn I took several. While I can almost pronounce the type of prehistoric sea creature it is, I cannot for the life of me spell it... I know this as I spent about half an hour trying to Google it in order to type it here.  Sorry Lin!  If someone can tell me the proper spelling I will edit this post accordingly. 

 

 


My lantern this year was the cute, but slightly obscure Adipose from Doctor Who.  Lin and I tend to have an unofficial contest between us to see how many people can correctly identify our lanterns.  This year I think she had 3, while I had 8.  In addition to those 8 correct Adipose identifications, there were several elephants, owls, R2D2, an igloo, and a woman who was very adamant that I had made a penguin. She actually stood there arguing with anyone who would listen and dare to say it was something else. I wonder if that last woman had spent the majority of her day in the Beer Garden?

Other lanterns with their names/descriptions captioned below.

Lantern Fish

Monster Wearing Bunny Slippers

Monster

Godzilla

Box Monster

Minion

Cynthia

Boo Costume

Pirate Monster

Mike

Flame

Monster-In-A-Box

Ponyo

Three-Headed Dog