Thursday, November 2, 2017

Humanity, Inc. Tech Support - TEEN OS Upgrade

HI Sam: Humanity, Inc. This is Sam. How may I help you today?
Frazzled Mom: Hello, tech support? Yes, I’m calling in regards to a malfunctioning CHILD unit?

HI Sam: Make and model?

Frazzled Mom: Yes, this is in regards to a MALE 2004 CHILD unit.

HI Sam: What seems to be the problem m’am?

Frazzled Mom: The unit was functioning great until a few months ago. It performed well in the areas of DISPOSITION, THOUGHTFULNESS, MOOD, and RESPECT, had moderate performance in EATING and HYGIENE and usually performed adequately in CHORES and CONVERSATION. Though it could glitch in these areas on occasion...

HI Sam: Yes, this all seems to fall under the expected operating parameters for that model. What seems to be the problem?

Frazzled Mom: Well, recently the unit received an automatic upgrade to the TEEN operating system, and now it seems to be underperforming and/or experiencing glitches in all of those areas. The RESPECT and CONVERSATION programs seem to be constantly bugging out, MOOD seems to be operating at the lowest possible level 95% of the time, then jumps unexpectedly to high levels for brief periods of time before plummeting once again with no notice or obvious cause. EATING seems to use an immense amount of energy which affects SLEEP mode, especially in the mornings. When we attempt to engage the unit in CONVERSATION mode, if it responds at all, it does so with a curt “whatever” or a sigh of disgust. We would really like to revert back to the PRETEEN operating system. Can you help us out with that?

HI Sam: I’m sorry m’am, but the automatic upgrade to the TEEN operating system is permanent. I’m afraid that it isn’t possible to revert to the previous OS. We are working on a new operating system called NEW ADULT which should solve many of the issues you are currently experiencing, but it won’t be ready for installation on that unit for approximately six years.

Frazzled Mom: So what you are telling me is that you automatically updated our CHILD units’ operating system to one that has known issues, and now we can’t even go back to the last known version that worked reasonably well?

HI Sam: That is correct.

Frazzled Mom: That is unacceptable! I’d like to speak to your supervisor about this. We’ve been loyal customers of your company for 13 years now. We stuck by you through the early INFANT operating system when it experienced issues with the CRYING and TOILET TRAINING programs.

HI Sam: Yes, those were some tough years...

Frazzled Mom: And we worked with the unit until it was able to run the WALK and SPEECH programs on its own after the TODDLER upgrade...

HI Sam: Yes, and we thank you for sticking with us through those trying times...

Frazzled Mom: But this latest upgrade... it seems to be the worst yet. Are you telling me that it will function like this for YEARS?!

HI Sam: Well, yes m’am. There may be some minor upgrades to some of the programs, but the OS is here to stay for the foreseeable future...

Frazzled Mom: Well that is just awful customer service. Isn’t there anything that you can do? Can we trade the unit in?

HI Sam: I’m sorry m’am, but we have a strict no returns, no exchanges policy. There is not much that can be done at this point. There are some facilities that you could send the unit to in order to try and improve performance. The local facilities tend to work on the units for a few hours a day during the week, or there are off-site facilities that take in the units for intense programming, but they are generally quite costly, and time consuming. By the time they complete the reprogramming, the NEW ADULT OS should be ready for installation.

Frazzled Mom: Well thanks for nothing!

HI Sam: Is there anything else I can assist you with today m’am?

Frazzled Mom: We also have a CHILD unit that is a 2007 model. Is there a way to prevent it from receiving the TEEN upgrade?

HI Sam: Well, no m’am. We can delay it for two or three years, but there comes a point where the upgrade cannot be avoided any longer.

Frazzled Mom: So what you are telling me is that soon we will have not one, but two malfunctioning CHILD units running on the TEEN operating system?

HI Sam: Yes m’am. I’m sorry m’am.



  1. OMG...hilarious. I actually laughed out loud! I'm soooo living this right now. Went through it with two older units and I'm on the last one now. He's a 2002 model. We'll get through this somehow! :)

    1. I swear it happened overnight! One day he was this great kid, and the next he was a moody teenager. I'm sure the great kid is still in there somewhere, it's just hard to find him under the surly teen who is annoyed at everything we say or do.

  2. Haha, what a great read. YAS, Let's write again together :)